So I've been looking for a mediocre baseball to latch onto and call my own. And I think I found him.
If you watched Dice-K's first start ever on Wednesday, you'll notice that he only gave up one run...and it came off a homer from my man...David DeJesus of the Kansas City Royals. I just couldn't pass up rooting for a guy from KC and whose last name has Jesus in it. So he fits my criteria for supporting a player: He plays for a bad team, he is supported by the heavens, and God dammit I want a Royals jersey with "DeJesus" on the back. To make this even sweeter, I just looked it up and David DeJesus' middle name is Christopher. Christ DeJesus...my man. I realize the "J" in DeJesus is probably silent, but let's make no bones about it: The far superior last name is DeJesus, pronouncing it with a hard J as to evoke the Lord and Savior everybody talks about at award shows.
DeJesus is coming off a pretty solid season last year, hitting in the high .200s depsite getting off to a slow start. He has some pop in his bat, but not much. His only bomb this year is the one off Dice K. So let's all hop on this DeJesus bandwagon. I've even got a slogan for this campaign in honor of The Doobie Brothers: "DeJesus is just alright to me". I just thought of another one that might work: WWDD...What would DeJesus do? Yeah I think that one works better.
For instance: What would DeJesus do if the Royals were down by 8 runs in the bottom of the eighth and the visiting team fans are just getting on his case. And to make matters worse there's someone in the crowd who yelled "Hey DeJewbag". Well seeing as David DeJesus is a rebel with a mission, he would catch the third out of the inning, take the ball and just bean it at a random fan. It wouldn't matter who he hit, just as long as the message was heard: Nobody fucks with DeJesus.
But seriously, I really want this guy to do something retarded at some point during the season, and then I can point back to this post as his coming out party. Because I don't think any of us really want to mess with a guy whose got jesus on his side.
DeJesus is from Jersey. And he went to Rutgers. A supporter of the armpit of America.
I wonder if he goes skiing in his jeans.