Monday, June 23, 2008

R. Kelly's sex tape starring Jim Palmer

So over at they are doing a chronicling of the ongoing R. Kelly child pornography trial. And let me tell you, it's fascinating stuff.

*Disclaimer: Seriously, I wouldn't continue reading this post unless you are absolutely ready to abandon R. Kelly for the rest of your life. This case has the makings of one of the most ridiculously hilarious/depressing examples of celebrity ever.

But like I said, this trial is ongoing and some very private (and mostly hilarious) details about the man that is R. Kelly are being extremely public. Here are some of the highlights of what has gone down so far courtesy of Slate:

The perfect backdrop for a sex tape
For the jury, there's a giant screen on wheels in front of the jury box. For the press, there's a Sony flat screen, lashed to an A/V cart with thick orange straps as if it's a flight risk. The VHS tape starts to roll, and the first voice I hear belongs to Hall of Fame Baltimore Orioles pitcher Jim Palmer, the one-time spokesman for the Money Store. As Palmer explains how you can easily lower your monthly payments, a guy with a shaved head who looks a lot like R. Kelly hands a young woman a folded-up stack of cash. "Thank you," she says softly. He pulls down his pants. Fellatio ensues.

Urinating Never Seemed So Casual
The director-star (allegedly Kelly) occasionally steps out of the picture to make sure the shot is framed properly, or to zoom in on an essential detail—say, the girl urinating on a tile floor. The choreography is also straightforward. The girl gyrates her hips from side to side like an exotic dancer; he moans lasciviously and orders her to move faster.

There's also the matter of his prolonged urination on the girl's face and breasts, which stops and starts, and stops and starts, for what seems like minutes on end.

Yes it's true: R. Kelly actually lives in a log cabin in the woods
Along with the logs, the lower level of Kelly's former residence includes a short lap pool and a basketball court with a mural depicting the singer shooting hoops with the Tasmanian Devil. From the outside, the red-brick residence—which you can take a gander at on Google Street View—looks less like a place where someone might live than some sort of small-time paper mill. His next-door neighbor was an Enterprise Rent-a-Car.)

Joe (anna) Dirt
She watched a bootleg copy at a friend's house in early 2002 and ran home crying after seeing the girl on the screen—"I thought she looked just like my best friend." The giveaways: her face and her mullet haircut.

The man likes filming himself in bed with women who have femullets, give him a break.

R. Kelly's lawyer actually uses a Wayans brother as part of his defense
Just as special effects turned Marlon Wayans (I know your last name, my friend!) into a little person, he suggests, so might the sex tape we saw on Tuesday be some sort of digital collage of faces and bodies. He asks Jamison whether she can tell if the video has been tampered with. Judge Gaughan doesn't allow the question: 'Just because she's seen the Waymons' movies doesn't make her an expert on morphing.'

Believe it or not, all that happened on the first two days of the trial. I'll have more R. Kelly updates as it goes along. Or you can read about it at Slate.

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