Tuesday, August 05, 2008

A Dark Knight Conspiracy

Last night I heard the news that beloved actor Morgan Freeman had to be rescued by the jaws of life after getting into a pretty serious car accident in Mississippi. Being the extremely sensitive human being that I am, my initial reaction went something like this, "Man, that sucks for the Batman franchise."

I was promptly leered at by friends who are smitten by the star of classics like Seven, Unforgiven, The Shawshank Redemption, and Evan/Bruce Almighty (actually Evan Almighty kinda stunk). Apparently, I'm in the minority in thinking about movie stars according to their movies, instead of through the friendship lens. But to my delight (for Batman purposes) and the delight of everyone else who loves Morgan Freeman (and let's be honest, it's pretty tough to hate on this guy), the actor suffered a broken arm, broken elbow, and minor shoulder damage. Those are definitely some painful injuries, but nothing too life-threatening. Freeman was even in a good enough mood to joke around with delighted stalkers at the scene of the accident:

When one person tried to snap a photo with a cellphone camera, Freeman joked, "no freebies, no freebies," McFerrin said.

I take solace in the fact that even in extreme agony and disfuguration from car accidents, actors can still demand money for the privilege of looking at their face.

To add onto all of this, as I walked out of the subway today on my way to work, I picked up a copy of Metro (my old stomping grounds). On the front page was an article about Mary-Kate Olsen and her reported refusal to speak with federal investigators about Heath Ledger's death without immunity of some kind. According to the article, her lawyer says Mary Kate had nothing to do with Heath's death, and has already hugged Bob Saget for closure on the whole episode.

I know you notice the Batman connection between Freeman and Ledger, though. Well throw in Christian Bale's family fight a few weeks ago, and I think you've got a full-fledged conspiracy here. Well over at Gawker, they've got the same premonition I do, except they call it a curse:

Also, a crewman died while filming one of the movie's epic action sequences. (But he wasn't famous, so, boo!, apparently.) The film's other actors have so far not reported any ghostly occurrences or freak accidents, and the producers are definitely happy and swimming in piles of money. But could this just be the deceiving prelude to the awfulness that's yet to befall them? Could they spiral into addiction, spurned by an overabundance of wealth and an unseen malevolent force?

Personally, I'm going more with the conspiracy theory. I've narrowed the suspects down to two people. The first, and most likely, dastardly felon has to be Val Kilmer. The Iceman rose to fame in Top Gun and was probably the worst Batman of all time in Batman Forever, making a slight comeback when he played a sherpa in season one of Entourage. Well, after seeing current photos of him, it appears as if Kilmer has been eating lots of potato chips while chomping his teeth Top Gun-style and scheming in his basement. I could easily see Kilmer giving Heath the drugs, telling Bale's mom that he heard Batman call her "a dirty whore" and allowing calamity to ensue, and finally throwing an empty chip bag on the road in Mississipi causing Freeman's car to skid out of control a la the O'Doyles in Billy Madison.

The next suspect has to be another former Batman, Michael Keaton. Now in honor of full disclosure, I must admit that I have a weird love for Michael Keaton and don't actually understand why his career has fizzled of late. On top of doing the original Batman and Batman Returns, Keaton was awesome in my favorite movie, "The Paper" (which is predictably about working at a newspaper). Oh, and before we get off his greatness, let's not forget he appeared in an episode of King of the Hill in 2003 and was in Mutiplicity and Beetlejuice, both classics if you ask me. And I'm not the only one with a M-Keat man crush. This dude listed out 12 roles Keaton should have and could have played in The Dark Knight.

Michael Keaton as Batman

But to be fair, there's no denying Keaton is in a bit of a rough patch. If you saw Jack Frost, you'll know what I'm talking about (such a bad script, Keaton couldn't even save it). So obviously he's pretty upset with Bale for stealing the role he made famous. But unlike Kilmer, I just can't see him going to these lengths to ruin the franchise. I mean he did get to do a Batman movie with Michelle Pfeiffer in a tight rubber catwoman suit while she was still in her prime looks-wise. Maybe he helped out Kilmer in his plot, sort of like Kilmer's Robin. Then again, if Keaton was upset about losing Batman why would he sink to Robin levels?

I know what you're thinking, too. What about George Clooney, another former Batman? My response is ... Seriously? Clooney doesn't do anything without his boy toy Brad Pitt, who is owned by Angelina (As you can see I have some conspiracy thoughts of my own concerning Jolie. I can't believe she's so popular with African children less than 10 years after wearing Billy Bob Thornton's blood).

So basically, this was a long-winded post saying something fishy is going on with this Dark Knight movie and I can't put my finger on exactly what it may be. But if you see Val Kilmer lurking in the shadows somewhere, I'd go elsewhere because something weird is about to go down.


Gregory said...

Markus I'm pretty sure that the only reason Billy Bob and Jolie could grasp everyone attention is that the stupid vile around their necks was in fact the cure for AIDS?

Conspiracy continues? I think so!

Anonymous said...

It's interesting to see just how permeant digital memory has become in our lives. It's like everytime I turn my head, I see something with a card slot or USB jack, lol. I guess it makes sense though, considering how much more afforable memory has become as of late...

Gahhhh, who am I to complain. I can't get through a single day without using my R4 / R4i!

(Posted by KU2 for R4i Nintendo DS.)

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