I have to admit it right off the bat before I delve deeper into this post. I am a closet Bam Margera fan. I loved Viva La Bam, loved all the Jackass stuff, loved CKY shit from back in the day, and even loved his bullshit wedding show on MTV last year. And of course, when you love Bam, you have to love his whole family because of all the mischief he causes through them.
So it was to my pleasant surprise when I heard Don Vito Margera, the fattest man who is still able to walk, was arrested, put on trial, and now convicted of two counts of sexual assault against two girls, ages 12 and 14. The whole ordeal just took a turn for the ridiculous once the guilty verdict was read.
Apparently, Don Vito, "fell to the ground yelling 'Just Kill Me Now'" as the judge began to recite the verdict in the case. Don Vito's key line of defense in the case were character witnesses like April Margera, Bam's mother. testifying that Don Vito was a "harmless, bumbling man," Not exactly a Cochran-esque defense if you asked me. But no amounts of character witnesses could gte over the fact that prosecutors described Don Vito's behavior the day the crime took place as this:
"This man was out of control during this public event. He was so intoxicated that he peed his pants while with these children."
My sources tell me these are not the girls that got Don Vito put on trial. These are clearly two other unsuspecting blondes that fell victim to the golden touch of Don Vito.
The depiction of ridiculousness continues. Apparently, throughout the trial, Vito — who has to be a double deuce (atleast 400 pounds) — was having trouble breathing so they brought in a wheelchair, paramedics and a defibrillator. The judge finished reading his verdict as "Margera continued to struggle and flail on the ground as the judge, now standing, read the second guilty count, and deputies worked to get Margera's hands behind his back to cuff him and calm him down." This was all while he yelled and yelled some more, "you might as well kill me now," as well as, "I can't f---ing spend the rest of my life in jail," "you cops lied" and "you can rot in f---ing hell!"
Don Vito is going to be imprisoned for a few years for this. Hopefully Bam will exploit it somehow. Can somebody say the first Jackass-themed jailbreak?