Tuesday, February 03, 2009

Fine, I'll Post ABout Phelps

I've gotten a couple complaints along the lines of "Why the fuck are your blogs so sporadic?" And usually my answer is a ton of other writing that I actually get paid to do, which will always be my number one priority. the gap between posts this week has very little to do with an excessive amount of work. Actually there are three entries since last Wednesday that I just plain decided not to put on the web. They just didn't live up to my standards of originality.

I know what your first thought is. Wait Mark, you have standards? My response back is sometimes. This somehow brings me to Michael Phelps and the recent revelation that he indeed knows how to handle a bong. If you haven't seen the picture yet, umm well, have you been living in a cave? And if you have been, doesn't that mean George W. Bush can prosecute you for being a terrorist? That's right, the whole new era of change thing.

But here it is anyways because it's going to live in infamy, so it might as well be posted on this blog.

Back to my point about standards. I got a ton of responses from people asking me to weigh in on this whole thing even though I think we're all well aware that I don't really care about getting busted for pot. I've been around Phelps in parties, bars, etc during my four years at Michigan and I would say the descriptions and pictures of him during this ordeal have been fairly accurate. They've portrayed him as basically your standard college frat boy (which is confirmed if you look down the list of sorority girls he was mentioned with in the past four years).

Well, I didn't want to just jump on the whole 'Michael Phelps got busted for pot hehe' train that has been running wild all over the television and internet the past couple days. No I need something original ... which the Huffington Post blogs have thankfully provided. So without further to do, I give you made up stories about Michael Phelps that would be hilarious if true:

Writer Andy Borowitz with a story about Phelps' Super Bowl reactions
Olympic champion Michael Phelps weighed in today on last night's Super Bowl, congratulating the Arizona Cardinals on their "awesome victory."

"The Cardinals really tore it up last night," said Mr. Phelps, who said he saw almost the entire game until he got "a wicked attack of the munchies" late in the fourth quarter. "Maybe it was the Doritos commercial, I don't know, but suddenly I got unbelievably hungry," said Mr. Phelps, giggling uncontrollably. "I was like, man, I have got to get me some chips, stat!"

Mr. Phelps said that once he got to his kitchen, he became distracted when he noticed that his hand appeared to be growing. "I must have been staring at my hand for half an hour," he said. "It was kind of fascinating."

The Olympian said that by the time he returned from the kitchen, the game was already over, "so I didn't get to see the awesome moment when the Cardinals actually won, but I'm sure that was bodacious." Mr. Phelps said he celebrated the Cardinals' victory by eating four bags of Doritos and swimming a victory lap on his living room rug.

Courtesy of Rip Empson, some statements Phelps has subsequently made about the incident that haven't been reported in the mainstream media

"I want to apologize to friends, family, and my sponsors for my inappropriate conduct. I truly regret my poor judgment, and I hope that my supporters will give me another chance. I promise to be more aware of my strength, and I promise to exercise restraint in the future. But, most of all, I want to apologize to that bong. I'm an Olympic athlete, and I put my 'all' into everything, even bong hits. I swim hard, and I puff hard, that's just how I am."

"We should really be congratulating the bong. I really hit that thing hard, and it responded," Mr. Phelps said in subsequent statements. "This has been great publicity for [bongs]. For so long, they've taken a backseat to doobies, pipes, and the many other devices used to smoke weed; unfairly, they've never gotten the recognition they deserve."

"Every once in a while, a bong dares to dream bigger, hoping to make it onto an international stage. Today, this dream has come true, and we're all so glad that Michael could help to make a difference," his agent said.

Though the bong could not be reached for comment, according to inside sources, the student who owned the bong has already sold it secretly on eBay for a hefty sum and has since dropped out of college. Phelps and his agents are currently in the process of trying to recover the bong from the anonymous buyer.

When asked to comment, Phelps smiled and said that it was just another example of the potentially positive consequences of his actions. "Some lucky kid has already entered early retirement," he said. He then added that he has already received countless text messages from college students congratulating him and informing him that they had renamed their bongs after him. "My favorite was sent by this guy from the University of Mexico. He named his bong 'Miguel Phelps.' That's my name in Spanish..." he said, wiping away a tear.

Hope that was entertaining. I certainly don't like hearing about all this nonsense in a serious context.

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